Hose Woes

Going barelegged is something to kick up your heels about. Photo: Stephen Travarca

By Elle
Dear readers, I need help. Summer is on the way, and while I’m eager for the warmer temperatures, I’m downright distraught about the notion of having to wear hosiery, as in (ugh) pantyhose. I dislike pantyhose. Rather, I despise pantyhose. Actually, I loathe pantyhose. Please, let me be clear on this issue: If I could go back in time, I would choke the person who created pantyhose with, duh, a pair of pantyhose.

And while I can admit that wearing hose might make one’s legs look more, I dunno, polished, have you ever considered that we don’t wear them with shorts or bathing suits? And why not then? Or consider this: We don’t wear hose on our bare arms, do we? Or, for that matter, any other part of our exposed bodies, for crying out loud. I’ve never seen hosiery designed for a neckline — have you? — and if you wear hosiery over your head, well, you’re jonesing for a ride in a squad car.

So, that said, I figure I have three options:

1. Find an “air hose” product aka spray tan that works for me and isn’t too laden with chemicals.
2. Discover a fabulous brand of hose that isn’t too saggy, too pinchy, too tight (Spandex apparently bugs me), too hot, too scratchy, and too annoying to my pushy big toes (which have a terrible habit of burrowing their way out of anything I stuff them into for more than a minute).
3. Find something that I’m calling “summer tights” (because I really don’t mind tights at all; in fact, I rather love them) that come in traditional hosiery colors such as nude.

Problem is, I work in an office where we’re supposed to wear hose (pesky dress code and all). Long summery skirts easily hide bare legs (how I love those two words together!), but my wardrobe consists mostly of skirts that actually end well before the ankle.

So that’s where you come in. What say you, dear readers? Any advice on the topic? Do you loathe hose the way I do, and, if so, have you discovered some sort of compromise? A product worth shouting about from the rooftops? If so, I need you now!